Timber!!!

I find it maddening that all I hear people talk about these days is the environment or "going green." Well let me tell you something, green is not necessarily a good thing. There are plenty of things that are green that are bad.

The Hulk is nothing but bad, the movie and the alter ego. Boogers. The only people that will disagree with this are booger eaters. Kermit. Two words, pig fucker. And finally, trees, trees are green and probably the worst thing ever. Some people say we need to save the trees because they create oxygen through photosynthesis. I say photosynthesis is witchcraft. Witchcraft is bad. Every plant that is green does photosynthesis. Ergo and carpe diem, green equals bad.

Another thing about trees is the fact that they say we are running out of them. To this I say, puushaww. I am taking a stagecraft class and just the other day we were talking about how easy it is to build trees out of plywood, chicken wire and cloth. It only takes a few feet of plywood to make the frame of one tree. Do you know how many theatre trees you can make from one of our precious "natural" trees? I don't know either but it is probably an astrological figure.

I say, let's cut down a few redwoods and we can go out to Wyoming where there is nothing but anti-government compounds and build all the trees we could ever need. The only thing we would have to be careful about is, if we build all those theatre trees then we'll have too much oxygen. Then someone driving through Wyoming will light a cigarette and cause a huge explosion that will ignite all the bullets in all the crazy compounds and Wyoming will look more like the Parliament building in the end of V for Vendetta.

So the next time someone says, "We need to reduce our carbon footprint and be more green." You say, "Shut up pig fucker." See, there, argument won. The bumper stickers that say, "Fuck the trees, save Wyoming" will be available soon.

-Matt