Anything Phelps can do Isaac can do better

Seeing as how the 29th Olympiad Games are upon us, I felt it necessary to call out this "Michael Phelps" character or whatever his name is and ask what the big friggin deal is. I mean, its swimming, people. Michael Phelps was in a pool and swam for like 3 minutes. Wow. Last saturday I was in the pool for 6 hours. Michael Phelps was sober. I was not. What's with the double cap thing he wears all the time? I was not wearing anything in my pool. Mikey boy was seen swimming in a pool with 8 other guys. I was.....well I wasn't with girls but I was by myself so...... And what's with all these necklaces this guy has? I mean gold is nice but why does he have so many? Fashion Flunder. I have four gold rings myself, two in my ears and two in my junk. And lastly, the speedo. This is the saving grace for this Olympic competitor. It takes a lot of balls to wear one of those things, no pun intended. It doesn't look at all comfortable. To do anything in a speedo in 1: 28 and set world records is nothing to scoff at. Go USA.

-Lil' James

Key to life? Good teeth.

One day. Today. My mother turned 44. When I came home to eat a celebratory dinner with her I found her to be in quite a foul mood indeed. When I inquired as to what had brought on such a sour mood on such a joyous of occasion, all I received was a curt, "It doesn't even feel like my birthday and your sister needs $4000 braces." Now, I never had braces. In fact every time I go to the dentist he commends me for my lovely perfect teeth. I mean I have a really big mouth so there's a lot of space in there so I guess my two front teeth could be closer together. But, it's not my fault I had a fang grow in between my two front teeth. I like to think that's what made me special. Kind of like the source of my mojo. My sister didn't have a fang. Yet, she needs braces. Hmmmm…who's cooler? You decide. But, I digress, in order to cheer my mother up I proceed to move her laptop into the kitchen and watch her cook roast chicken and Yorkshire pudding. A family classic, one of her favorite meals. Thank goodness she's an awesome cook because if she wasn't she'd be eating my world famous toast and cereal with soy milk for her birthday. Really, I think it's the best gift I could give her. Not cooking her dinner and sitting in the kitchen while she cooks her own dinner and packs my dad's lunch (yes, isn't that adorable. True love is real, she packs his lunch every day), and I type away at the laptop trying to come up with a witty way of promoting our sketch comedy show in September. The moral of the story is, if you are going to have kids make sure they are awesome and have good teeth so you don't have a to waste money on braces when you could be buying your first born awesome daughter dance dance revolution for the wii. Secondly, if you are going to have a daughter you might want to teach her to cook so that you don't spend your entire birthday constantly repeating to yourself, "Still making my own birthday dinner."

-Candace