Let's get ready to...well...be quiet and stop fighting...please.

Dear Everyone, I’d like to take this opportunity to dissect one of America’s most perplexing traditions...the 4AM couples street fight...if it’s 4 o’clock in the morning and you’re fighting with your significant other, keep that shit in your house. I don’t need to know that you think your boyfriend is actually a “faggot.” Or that his father is a “faggot” and that they should suck each ohers something or others. And if your girlfriend actually is “Portland Trash,” then she’s probably already aware of that and isn’t impressed by your wealth of knowledge. Plus if your boyfriend is in fact a “faggot” or your girlfriend is in fact “Portland trash,” then you’ve already agreed to set these details aside as you are currently living together. Regardless, why is it then necessary to bring this argument out into the street? And what makes you think that it’s necessary to yell at the top of your lungs? And what stops you from having this argument at 4 in the afternoon. If I knew that everytime 4 in the morning comes around I get in a full-on knock-down drag-out fight with my significant other, I would possibly make it a point to be asleep at that time. If I were a werewolf, I’d know to lock myself in a cage on the night of a full moon...likewise, you should know when a fight is coming, and lock yourself in a cage. Or better yet, lock your significant other in a cage! Either way...some of us have to get up in the morning...so keep it down or I’ll call the cops...AND STAY OFF MY LAWN!

-ben