So this is my first blog with the indicators, and I have nothing interesting to say. As I was sitting up late at night pondering what to write about I saw 12 commercials for "Girls gone Wild". I have a serious problem with these videos. Is it because these girls are being objectified? NO. Is it because these videos are morally corrupt? NO. The thing that I have a problem with is that the people getting rich off of these tapes are the guys behind the camera, which is ridiculous because I know a bunch of guys that would do that job for free. Ladies come on. A wise man once said if you are good at something never do it for free. I say if you have nice ta tas than you get a check or a wad of cash before you go showing them on film... or in my case at least have him buy you dinner. Jewelry works too. I have also done it for stock options. And once for advice on my taxes. Either way, I was getting something out of it, and those girls should have held out for more than t-shirts and Mardi-gra beads. Joe Francis has built a multi million dollar empire on the jugs of American women, and they haven't seen a cent of it; they haven't even been reimbursed for the money they spent to buy those boobs in the first place!! In the future, ladies, make sure you get something in writing- oh and demand to get paid double if you are going to give people a tour of your basement.
-Alaine
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Blog-ginity
Blahblahblahblahgblagblagblohgblogblogblogblogblogblogblogblogblogblogblogblog
You just helped me loose my blog virginity. Thanks. I have to tell you, though, I was very nervous. I didn’t know if it would hurt, or if it would be amazing, if I would cry, or if you would. And now that it’s over, am I finally a woman? I have to say, I feel mostly the same, but somehow different. Like I have a new knowledge. As if I’m immortal, in a way, because this blog will always be here, on the internet, between you and me, even though someday we’ll both be gone.
Now I’m faced with the consequences of this action. What will people say about my blog? I’ve heard that there are those who just sit around and critique blogs all day. The Blogosphere. What’s that? Am I a part of it now? Ohmigod, what if I wasn’t any good? Will word get out in the um, blog-o-sphere? Will I get a reputation? I really should just find my pants and get out of here. Quick! Before word gets out that Lindsey Carter Blogs. What will my mother say?
Look, I’ve had a nice time, but I think I should stick to doing this on stage, at Indicators shows. It’s live and raw and fresh, and to tell you the truth, there is a way better rush. Not that I think that this wasn’t really great, because it was. Don’t you feel bad, or anything. I love new experiences. It’s just…Well, let me put it to you this way. I like it when people watch. I like to watch them watching. It doesn’t matter who it is on stage, either. I just like how the room gets hot and there’s noise and breathing and sweat. It is a little more alive than simply writing a blog. I like interaction. And I like you. Which brings me to the question, if, um, you’ll come sometime to one of our shows. I know what you’re thinking, you are thinking about all you’ve heard about live performances. Well, I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be shameful to see live theatre. It’s a really beautiful thing between an actor and the audience. I am just asking you because I really feel a connection. So what do you say?
-Lindsey
You just helped me loose my blog virginity. Thanks. I have to tell you, though, I was very nervous. I didn’t know if it would hurt, or if it would be amazing, if I would cry, or if you would. And now that it’s over, am I finally a woman? I have to say, I feel mostly the same, but somehow different. Like I have a new knowledge. As if I’m immortal, in a way, because this blog will always be here, on the internet, between you and me, even though someday we’ll both be gone.
Now I’m faced with the consequences of this action. What will people say about my blog? I’ve heard that there are those who just sit around and critique blogs all day. The Blogosphere. What’s that? Am I a part of it now? Ohmigod, what if I wasn’t any good? Will word get out in the um, blog-o-sphere? Will I get a reputation? I really should just find my pants and get out of here. Quick! Before word gets out that Lindsey Carter Blogs. What will my mother say?
Look, I’ve had a nice time, but I think I should stick to doing this on stage, at Indicators shows. It’s live and raw and fresh, and to tell you the truth, there is a way better rush. Not that I think that this wasn’t really great, because it was. Don’t you feel bad, or anything. I love new experiences. It’s just…Well, let me put it to you this way. I like it when people watch. I like to watch them watching. It doesn’t matter who it is on stage, either. I just like how the room gets hot and there’s noise and breathing and sweat. It is a little more alive than simply writing a blog. I like interaction. And I like you. Which brings me to the question, if, um, you’ll come sometime to one of our shows. I know what you’re thinking, you are thinking about all you’ve heard about live performances. Well, I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be shameful to see live theatre. It’s a really beautiful thing between an actor and the audience. I am just asking you because I really feel a connection. So what do you say?
-Lindsey
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Let's get ready to...well...be quiet and stop fighting...please.
Dear Everyone, I’d like to take this opportunity to dissect one of America’s most perplexing traditions...the 4AM couples street fight...if it’s 4 o’clock in the morning and you’re fighting with your significant other, keep that shit in your house. I don’t need to know that you think your boyfriend is actually a “faggot.” Or that his father is a “faggot” and that they should suck each ohers something or others. And if your girlfriend actually is “Portland Trash,” then she’s probably already aware of that and isn’t impressed by your wealth of knowledge. Plus if your boyfriend is in fact a “faggot” or your girlfriend is in fact “Portland trash,” then you’ve already agreed to set these details aside as you are currently living together. Regardless, why is it then necessary to bring this argument out into the street? And what makes you think that it’s necessary to yell at the top of your lungs? And what stops you from having this argument at 4 in the afternoon. If I knew that everytime 4 in the morning comes around I get in a full-on knock-down drag-out fight with my significant other, I would possibly make it a point to be asleep at that time. If I were a werewolf, I’d know to lock myself in a cage on the night of a full moon...likewise, you should know when a fight is coming, and lock yourself in a cage. Or better yet, lock your significant other in a cage! Either way...some of us have to get up in the morning...so keep it down or I’ll call the cops...AND STAY OFF MY LAWN!
-ben
-ben
Friday, January 4, 2008
Watching the Iowa Caucus
As I watch the Iowa Caucus I immediately chuckle because they just said cock. * And let’s admit it…so too do you. Just after about 24 minutes of this * I * try to get passed that fact. * Let me just begin by saying, in the eight years I have been eligible, I have never voted. So what comes next must be taken with a grain of salt; however, this is the first time I have taken such an interest in matters such as these.
Here are my observations:
Watching the Iowa Caucus is boring…it’s like watching a PTA meeting/popularity contest. Put a bunch of middle class white people in a middle school and have them act nice to each other to get them to hang out in their corner with “the cool kids.” And if your group of friends *doesn’t have enough people in it…you have to go join some other group that you feel less a part of. This is my initial gut reaction.
YET I CAN’T STOP WATCHING! It slowly turns from watching a meeting of high school principals to watching a horse race with people…and everyone in Kentucky *loves a good horse race, myself included. *Now I feel like I know what’s going on. Now I don’t feel like a political outsider…’cause it’s just like picking Daddy’sMoneyMaker in the 4th *, he’s good on a mud track and it’s a 73% chance of rain. (Wolfe Blitzer just said “hard” “poll” and “caucus” in the same sentence) * I’ve got my money on Former Senator and Law & Order alumni Fred Dalton Thompson…I mean come on- he was in Days of Thunder. So when I see that he’s running in third with 18% of the votes, I keep watching this slow horse race to see if he’s going to pull ahead and go into second. They update the screen every few minutes and the numbers shift and I imagine all of the 2008 presidential candidates running around a track. But then something crazy happens…
Why do we declare winners when only 32% of the votes are in? Honestly…isn’t that what got Florida in trouble back in 2000, Gore won, then Bush won, then no one won, and then Bush kinda won. So when Mike Huckabee is declared the winner with only 32% of the votes in, it’s like calling the horses back when they still have a ¼ mile left to run…what if Mike Huckabee pulls a hamstring and has to be put down in front of everyone, which gives Fred Thompson inspiration to sprint to the wire? Would you shoot all of the horses in a race if they weren’t in the lead 1/3 of the race in? *
As I have ranted too long, I’ll finish up with a few bullet points:
- Many people I know are scared of Evangelicals…but that doesn’t stop them from voting for one when faced against a Mormon.
- Tom Brokaw is cool, and if elections put him back on TV…I’ll vote for that.
- People should bet on elections like horse races. I’ll give you 50-1 odds on Kucinich.
- Every time you see one of these ( * ) in this blog…someone said cock on national TV…and I chuckled.
Happy Straw Polling
ben
Here are my observations:
Watching the Iowa Caucus is boring…it’s like watching a PTA meeting/popularity contest. Put a bunch of middle class white people in a middle school and have them act nice to each other to get them to hang out in their corner with “the cool kids.” And if your group of friends *doesn’t have enough people in it…you have to go join some other group that you feel less a part of. This is my initial gut reaction.
YET I CAN’T STOP WATCHING! It slowly turns from watching a meeting of high school principals to watching a horse race with people…and everyone in Kentucky *loves a good horse race, myself included. *Now I feel like I know what’s going on. Now I don’t feel like a political outsider…’cause it’s just like picking Daddy’sMoneyMaker in the 4th *, he’s good on a mud track and it’s a 73% chance of rain. (Wolfe Blitzer just said “hard” “poll” and “caucus” in the same sentence) * I’ve got my money on Former Senator and Law & Order alumni Fred Dalton Thompson…I mean come on- he was in Days of Thunder. So when I see that he’s running in third with 18% of the votes, I keep watching this slow horse race to see if he’s going to pull ahead and go into second. They update the screen every few minutes and the numbers shift and I imagine all of the 2008 presidential candidates running around a track. But then something crazy happens…
Why do we declare winners when only 32% of the votes are in? Honestly…isn’t that what got Florida in trouble back in 2000, Gore won, then Bush won, then no one won, and then Bush kinda won. So when Mike Huckabee is declared the winner with only 32% of the votes in, it’s like calling the horses back when they still have a ¼ mile left to run…what if Mike Huckabee pulls a hamstring and has to be put down in front of everyone, which gives Fred Thompson inspiration to sprint to the wire? Would you shoot all of the horses in a race if they weren’t in the lead 1/3 of the race in? *
As I have ranted too long, I’ll finish up with a few bullet points:
- Many people I know are scared of Evangelicals…but that doesn’t stop them from voting for one when faced against a Mormon.
- Tom Brokaw is cool, and if elections put him back on TV…I’ll vote for that.
- People should bet on elections like horse races. I’ll give you 50-1 odds on Kucinich.
- Every time you see one of these ( * ) in this blog…someone said cock on national TV…and I chuckled.
Happy Straw Polling
ben
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Dear Jeff
Dear Jeff,
I would personally like to, on the behalf of all the Indicators, extend our deepest apologies for so obviously rigging the game of Password at the pizzeria last night. We should be ashamed of ourselves to even think that we could cheat someone who so clearly "knows how it is." Because God knows we had everything to gain from the fact that you bought one beer while playing our deviously slanted Password game.
Now that we have apologized, I must say: We got you bitch! You're a little slow on the uptake huh Jeff? We obviously set you up. Last month we held a meeting. We met in a musty warehouse down at the docks in a cigar smoke filled room with one light bulb illuminating the damp and moldy card table that we huddled around as we discussed how to make a fool out you.
I must tell you, when I first laid eyes on the picture in our dossier on you, I defended you. I said, "NO! I don't know this guy Jeff, but I have a good read on him and I think he is a nice guy. By the way there is no way he would even fall for this because he has 'been around.'" Then I said, "And when he exposes us for corrupting the virtuous name of the game Password, don't try and offer him a consolation prize of two free Indicators tickets because he 'does music' and then don't you dare inform him that it's improv comedy and not music because he has 'been doing comedy for years.'" Then I took a second look at your picture and realized you are a total tool and I agreed to be the one directly responsible for the undertaking of our masterful heist that would win us absolutely nothing.
My only wish is that you would have stuck around for just a few more minutes. Right after you left the girl that beat you, changed the one $25 Bearno's Bucks gift certificate into 25, $1 Bearno's Bucks gift certificates. We put them in a pile on the floor and then we all got naked and rolled around in them while simultaneously groaning, "Oh yeah, Jeff's money...Jeff's money." You totally missed it. Well, there's always next month. See you then.
Sincerely,
Matt Gifford
The Indicators
I would personally like to, on the behalf of all the Indicators, extend our deepest apologies for so obviously rigging the game of Password at the pizzeria last night. We should be ashamed of ourselves to even think that we could cheat someone who so clearly "knows how it is." Because God knows we had everything to gain from the fact that you bought one beer while playing our deviously slanted Password game.
Now that we have apologized, I must say: We got you bitch! You're a little slow on the uptake huh Jeff? We obviously set you up. Last month we held a meeting. We met in a musty warehouse down at the docks in a cigar smoke filled room with one light bulb illuminating the damp and moldy card table that we huddled around as we discussed how to make a fool out you.
I must tell you, when I first laid eyes on the picture in our dossier on you, I defended you. I said, "NO! I don't know this guy Jeff, but I have a good read on him and I think he is a nice guy. By the way there is no way he would even fall for this because he has 'been around.'" Then I said, "And when he exposes us for corrupting the virtuous name of the game Password, don't try and offer him a consolation prize of two free Indicators tickets because he 'does music' and then don't you dare inform him that it's improv comedy and not music because he has 'been doing comedy for years.'" Then I took a second look at your picture and realized you are a total tool and I agreed to be the one directly responsible for the undertaking of our masterful heist that would win us absolutely nothing.
My only wish is that you would have stuck around for just a few more minutes. Right after you left the girl that beat you, changed the one $25 Bearno's Bucks gift certificate into 25, $1 Bearno's Bucks gift certificates. We put them in a pile on the floor and then we all got naked and rolled around in them while simultaneously groaning, "Oh yeah, Jeff's money...Jeff's money." You totally missed it. Well, there's always next month. See you then.
Sincerely,
Matt Gifford
The Indicators
Friday, December 7, 2007
Having Oldness
I turned 29 a couple of weeks ago. Never before have I been made so aware of my age as I have recently. It's the little things that have presented the tell tale signs. My sudden deep interest in grocery store savings. The little yellow Kroger tags are like my own personal sherpa of mercantilism. I am obsessed with my utility bill and Angela Lansbury is starting to become much more appealing.
Maybe it's not that I'm getting old, but maybe it's just that I'm a cheap bastard with a penchant for sassy octogenarians. That would explain all those pubescent "private times" that happened to coincide with Golden Girls reruns.
I know I'm getting old. I know this because I was eating lunch the other day and I ordered a beer. When I was asked for my i.d. I made the statement that is nothing short of obligatory for any 30 or 40 something total douche that hasn't been carded in a couple of years. I did the whole, "Well thank you" thing. God I am such an asshole! The worst part is the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. I had no choice in the matter. It came out as natural as an immediate "no" when asked at the age of 21 whether or not you will ever say "well thank you" to a server who just carded you.
I am here to tell you youngins. It will eventually happen to you. You too will become a total douche and there is nothing you can do about it. Merry Fuggin' Christmas, now help me out to my car with my bags won't you?
-Matt
Maybe it's not that I'm getting old, but maybe it's just that I'm a cheap bastard with a penchant for sassy octogenarians. That would explain all those pubescent "private times" that happened to coincide with Golden Girls reruns.
I know I'm getting old. I know this because I was eating lunch the other day and I ordered a beer. When I was asked for my i.d. I made the statement that is nothing short of obligatory for any 30 or 40 something total douche that hasn't been carded in a couple of years. I did the whole, "Well thank you" thing. God I am such an asshole! The worst part is the fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. I had no choice in the matter. It came out as natural as an immediate "no" when asked at the age of 21 whether or not you will ever say "well thank you" to a server who just carded you.
I am here to tell you youngins. It will eventually happen to you. You too will become a total douche and there is nothing you can do about it. Merry Fuggin' Christmas, now help me out to my car with my bags won't you?
-Matt
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Happy Thanksgiving!
It’s that time of year again, when the family packs into the car and drives to Grandma’s house for a day full of thankfulness and fellowship. Where everyone gathers around the table and shares what they are “thankful for” and how happy they are to be together on this holiday. Then everyone hugs and smiles and then quickly jumps back into the car, and goes to Grampa’s house…’cause Grandma and Grampa got divorced many years ago, even though it was taboo then. And you get there and everyone is smiling and having a good time. They’ve already started eating, because no one was really sure of when you were going to get there and they got tired of waiting and there’s a hint of resentment in the air because you went to see “that other” family before you came to see them. But after an hour or two it gets forgotten…because it’s thanksgiving. You make nice with Grampa’s new girlfriend. And you’ve tried to pace yourself and not eat too much at one place and downplay how much you ate at the previous house to ensure that each side of the family feels like you’re more a part of that family than the other. All the while you are looking forward to Friday when you have “fake” Thanksgiving with the complete other side of the family, who was nice enough move Thanksgiving for everyone…Knowing full well at least one member of that part of the family only has that one Thanksgiving to go to which isn’t on Thanksgiving, and you envy the simplicity of their schedule until you realize they’re watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” alone. And then heaven forbid you accidentally call some one by the wrong name, or forget that one house is predominantly Catholic, one Baptist and another a mixture of bitter/jaded formerly religious agnostics with Wiccan tendencies who are planning a kick a** winter solstice party. And the part that you’re thankful for is that you get to do it all over again in a month. Or is all that just me? Too personal? Well, you can relate. Happy Holidays!
-Ben
-Ben
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